The Look 2020
It may be unsettling to be seen. Now I’ve to see myself.
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I’ve been alone for months.
My reflection exhibits a physique I’m nonetheless unfamiliar with — a shaved head, keloids slashing throughout my chest, a comfortable stomach with a pale spill of hypopigmentation subsequent to my navel.
It’s been two years since I slept with anybody, a stranger in London whose identify I’ve forgotten. I don’t need to be touched proper now. It feels too invasive, arms on my pores and skin, a hungry mouth.
Within the echo of isolation, I’m writing letters to my pals, confessing how I’m unsure I’ve ever been interested in anybody — not anybody actual, not when the concept of them is what I need to be near, what I need to contact. While you make an individual unreal, are they nonetheless alive?
Earlier than the pandemic, I left a lover who used to fantasize about my corpse. It suited me again then, again after I wished to be lifeless, a weight of heavy flesh gone chilly, however nonetheless beloved by somebody who would take the time to rearrange my limbs, angle my jaw, my stone of a head. I want I might say I wished him alive, however the closest factor to fact is that I wished him animated, however not actual.
I’m wondering how far the space is between making an individual an object and making an object an individual, the way in which station the place somebody could be each actual and unreal on the similar time. The opposite day, I researched male intercourse dolls, with their nonetheless eyes and comfortable mouths, their chilly and believable pores and skin. I don’t need to hold a corpse in my home, however I’d take a one-night stand with one thing that was sculpted to move as an inanimate human. It makes little distinction ultimately, whether or not that physique is flesh or silicone. Both means, I’d be alone.
If I lie bare in a mattress with another person, touching their physique and seeing solely the fantasy of them that I’ve created, are they even there? What if it’s simply me and my creativeness, one thing I created on the scaffold of their flesh? What if I’ve simply turned them right into a proxy of myself?
Perhaps they’re doing the identical factor to me, making me a mirror. Perhaps that’s the unstated contract: to be clean areas for one another, holding the maps of need which might be projected on our skins, fingers lacing electrical as they press in opposition to spines and shoulder blades. I typically think about the aesthetic of our our bodies in proximity — this darkish heat pores and skin, thick black hair, white enamel breaking up in pleasure.
Perhaps we’re alone collectively and that may be a tender alternative, to avert our gaze, to permit one another some privateness within the midst of such horrible intimacy. It may be unsettling to be seen. Perhaps we’re two lifeless issues tousled like chains, perhaps we resurrect once we are aside.
The opposite night time, I used to be hallucinating wind chimes in my pulse, my blood singing to me from inside my head, pushing alongside, and I assumed: How a lot nearer might anybody get to me? My heartbeat was surging by my decrease lip, pressed smudged and sleepy in opposition to the moss inexperienced linen of my bedsheet, and I used to be so deliciously alone, comfortable and untouched. One other pulse would have spoiled it.
I’ve by no means spent this a lot time with myself; to turn into my very own favourite companion is a brand new and unusual factor for me. I used to be all the time in search of another person, and now I’m afraid of discovering them. Maybe they don’t exist exterior of my creativeness; I’ve by no means met a lover who might make all their very own tales come true.
I gave up on having a self and accepted that I’ve been unreal this entire time, a narrative even after I’m alone.
In spite of everything, the worlds I make are higher than the world now we have. In my realities, we’re transcendent and by no means merciless. There’s no violence, solely swaths of tenderness. We contact one another as if we had been misplaced after which introduced again to life; we face concern like we’re already lifeless.
I see unknown lovers in my goals, they dance with their our bodies near mine and kiss me on airplanes chopping by an evening sky. Perhaps after the isolation ends, one among them will make themselves actual sufficient to search out me, and the thought of them would be the similar because the flesh, which implies they’re like me, robust sufficient to reside as a narrative and have it keep true. I’d, I feel, wish to be touched then.
The Look is a column that examines identification by a visual-first lens. This yr, the column is targeted on the connection between American tradition and politics within the run-up to the 2020 presidential election, produced by Eve Lyons and Tanner Curtis.